grief

im listening to tatu - goemansai followed by secondhand serenade's stay close don't go...
im depressed tonite.....i rily feel lonely, heart-broken, sad...empty....
i dunno whom i should talk to...

i did hug my roomate coz i rily felt something..but...without saying any word..
i began crying.....i cried ..n let her hug me back for a while...
i was seriously in grief....

previously, i did think of reading al-quran....but,
since i 'couldnot'... i juz listened to some of my housemates reciting yasin...
while listening to them, i did some zikr silently....
i prayed to God...
pls....pls take away this kind of feeling....
i was really horrible....
i wanted to cry.....but i juz bear it for a while...
juz after the doa....i rushed to my room...
having my head covered with my blanket...
i cried and cried....
i was miserable....i was really unhappy....
why on earth it would be like this....

God.....i missed the  good old days....
where all the happiness bloomed and wrapped me with blissful moments....
why did it have to be like this....
why....why.....why.....
was i too ignorant.....was i too foolish.....was i too selfish....

right now...
i could not do any homework given by all the lects or reps....
i dunno what had happened to me recently......
i dunno God....i dunno.....

i was bad ...disorganized fella....
who may take things for granted....
but believe me....
i'd done my best.....i'd given my all....

what was that still did not satisfy you....
you'd given up before you knew the whole truth...
why was it me that needed to make you happy?
i dunno n dun mind if im using the correct grammar or sentence type...or even vocabs..
i dont care.....
im pissed of....
i dunno whether i should get mad at you or not..i dunno....
where r all the mutuality of all these matters....
why do i feel the feeling of unfairness....

im sick....you told me that you are tired of all these...
but,,...have you ever thought of me?of my feeling all these while??
you said that i always wanted to win in everything...
did you ever realize that you were the same?
why was it becoming even harder...even more difficult for me?

im a simple person....you are too...
but why we have to make things complicated ?
im puzzled..im confused....do you know that?

i missed you....i missed u badly....
but how im gonna say it in a proper way?
ive told you that im bad with sweet words...
i know im such a fool in this matter....
you know that rite?
you know i could not explain things well....
tell you the truth......i've tried my best....i swear.....

i juz dont know what is it that you want....
pls tell me ....straight to the point.....
i dont wanna get entangled with unsolved puzzles and riddles...
just tell me...what is it that you want so bad.....
dont punish me by behaving this way....
it hurts....it hurts me badly....

i still remember....

when i was about to give up....
you asked me for another chance....
tho i'd told you that i was not into you anymore....
yet....i'd givenyou another hope....
that moment...i thought...you are my only one....
the one that will understand me solely...
the one that will be there when ever in need...
the one that will love me without hesitation...

nevertheless...
things changed ya....
when it was my turn to screw up...
you didn't give another chance...instead of putting an end to our relationship...
did you know how sad i was...
i knew that i was wrong....
but i did seek for your forgiveness...
i apologized ....i said sorry again and again......

you just ignored me....
you were being cold,,,
you hated me rite....

i did  asked for a second chance and you replied 'give me some time'
i remembered...when you asked me for a second chance...
did i ever hesitate like what you did?
you then told me that i did not understand you...
what do you expect....do you understand me then?
why were  we arguing on unimportant matters???
why..............why......................why............................................

each day....
i feel that  you are going far and far away from me....
are you running away from me?
what is it that makes you behave this way.......
i dunno what am i supposed to say anymore....
i dunno..i dunno....i dunnoo........
God.....im begging you.....
pls help me...
pls help him....
pls help us....
amin......




"rainy nite overwhelms my heart...
everything seems blurry tho i can't find the reason why...
is it bcoz of d falling rain or juz my confused state of mind..."